Me and my not so distant past.

Every day something trivial reminds me what my life could be like now, how it was only a few years ago. It makes me realize just how lucky I am, and what I have achieved.

When I gave up work 12 years ago now to take maturnity leave on my first child, money became tight.  As I was not intending on returning to work we made huge sacrifices such as getting rid of the car.

We struggled by financially. Then at the end of my pregnancy I was hospitalised. Hubby travelled too and from the hospital by bus,  we ate vending machine food and lost work hours. This went on for roughly a month, and although you may not think that something so simple could have a devistating effect it did.

With a new baby, we just never managed to crawl back into the black. Four months later and at the onset of depresion I went back to work. I will be forever greatful to my inlaws for looking after my baby. Without them I would never have managed!

Money started to get easier, but I was obviously in hindsight not very mature in the handling of it. I don't know where it went, but it came in and quickly went out again.

Eight years ago I had the crazy idea of running my own business. The start up was heavily funded by loans. Not a good way to start a business. Things were tough, but soon it started to turn a corner and things started looking up. Unfortunatly the town council  had ideas that wrecked my business, and pretty soon I was in financial trouble. I started using hubby's wage to bail out the business as creditors were getting heavy, and more loans were taken out. At this stage it was needed to staff the business as I was pregnant with our second child. I should have quit then, but I had a diary full of bookings whom I didn't want to let down. That last loan both ruined and saved me. If that is at all possible.

The worst part of the whole sittuation was that I COULD NOT GET HELP. THERE WAS NONE ABOUT! God know's I tried.

I filled in so much paper work with reguards to debt management plans and I.V.A'S.  I was filled with hope by the encouraging voice on the other end of the phone, and by the rep's who visited the house. But they all turned round and said they were unable to help in the end. I tried for years to get help. First my debt wasn't big enough, then they couldn't take on joint business and personal debt.

At the worst point I remember sitting on the toilet sobbing my heart out. I remember throwing medications in the bin, as I was afraid I might do something stupid. I had two kids and a great husband. I couldn't leave him to sort out the mess on his own. Although he never understood what I was going through, and couldn't suggest a solution. He stood by me, like a rock, as alway's.

In 2005 my grandmother died. I still owed her money. I regret that whole heartedly. She never knew how much trouble I was in. My grandmother was everything to me. Her passing  devestated me, even though I knew one day it would happen.

I tried to focus on rebuilding the business, my sister in law tried to help me, but I couldn't keep on. The bailiffs were through my door more than customers and I was now afraid and a nervous wreck.

We had booked a family holiday in the uk. We scrapped together enough money to enjoy that and went. The feeling of relief at not being responsible for anything other than my husband and two kids was refreshing, and made me realize that I could not carry on as I was. After the holiday I closed the shop. I took my bookings diary home and completed the appointments and work from home over the following two months.

 I was still afraid of the phone ringing and of callers at the door. The bookings helped me get the money together to see an insolvency practitioner. Hubby and I knew the only way forward was banckruptcy. It was ironic that at that time we couldn't even afford to pay for the banckruptcy hearing. We saved for that too.

In November 2005 I was declared banckrupt. Just like that my debt had gone and the creditors quit calling. We still had Hubby's and our joint debt wich he had to take on, so we weren't debt free, and we were left wondering if we would lose our house.

I'm not proud of going banckrupt, and I wish that I could have paid my debt back

Part 2 to follow.